Grateful

Getting to travel to beautiful locations. Maps. The places I've been fortunate enough to visit & explore & the people I've met along the way. The things I've learned from my travels about myself & about the world and all that I have yet to see & learn. All the places that still call to me & I have yet to visit. The friends I have been blessed w/ who enrich my life more than I can say. My family that I love & especially my Mom & Dad. That I get to be me & all that that entails. Get Fuzzy, Gilmore Girls & Criminal Minds. Sleeping in & taking naps . . . all things sleep related. Being moved by soul-stirring music & earplugs & white noise machines for blocking out some of the other noise. Cute puppies that I don't have to own to enjoy. Everyone who volunteers their time & energy to the benefit of others especially those who work w/ survivors of violence. Delicious food that magically appears just in time for dinner. ;) Basil pesto. Pizza! Lists. Reliable electricity that provides the heat/cooling. Clean water that I don't have to haul. Road trips & new adventures. Seeing the world through the lens of my camera & getting to share some of that. Capturing that once in a lifetime moment. The beach & ocean & all the beauty to be found there. Snow falling and crunchy leaves & lilacs in spring & the right clothing to enjoy all of it comfortably. Uncommon acts of kindness & humanity & wit. Basic things that I too often take for granted like my car, home, job, income, health, books. Artwork that speaks to something in me. My Mom. Cozy blankets & sweaters. My God who made all of this possible & loves me No Matter What & so much much more. :)

"I heard you the first time, go find a pirate to sit on!!"

            I recently found out about misophonia. You can look it up online and read about it but since its something I've lived with for as long as I can remember, though I wasn't aware there was a term or an explanation for what I was dealing with, let me share with you what it is from my perspective and experience. It can be summed up by the hatred of sounds. Now, while that gives an outsider a brief idea of what the term means, that is far from an all-inclusive explanation. I might change it  to say a severe uncontrollable hatred for sounds that trigger irrational responses. I can remember sitting around the dinner table, maybe junior high age, and trying to eat as quickly as possible so I could leave the table and avoid having to sit there and endure the torture of listening to the chewing. Now, these aren't people who are loud and noisy eaters. It's merely the sounds that people make when they eat or drink something that I am highly sensitive to. It was not only annoying but something that frustrated and angered me to no end. Ticking clocks, watches, anything w/ a repetitive sound was another noise that irritated me. Not only did these things bother me intensely, I seemed to be able to hear them w/ a greater sensitivity than anyone else. I'm sure there is a connection between my sensitive hearing and this misophonia thing.

            There are many sounds that irritate and frustrate me, something I couldn't come up with any explanation for. Why was I reacting so irrationally to something as seemingly innocent as a ticking watch or some other repetitive sound? I tried and tried to figure it out. Was there something in my life that started it? Did these sounds trigger memories of something unpleasant? Despite my best efforts, I never could figure it out, nor did I know how to deal with this constant frustration. Over the years some of these triggers have become more sensitive and it seems there are more than I first remember dealing with. I have learned this is part of what happens with this issue. So not only do more triggers often develop throughout ones life, the responses to these triggers are often strongest when created by ones we are closest too. Sorry family and close friends.

            So not only are these sounds frustrating to me, they initiate that flight or fight response that is often attributed to fear or life threatening situations. I often want to scream in rage and frustration at the offender or turn the radio/tv/etc up so loud that it drowns out whatever the offending sound is or I need to get away from it. Far away. And quickly. Far enough away to escape the sounds, calm down and eliminate the offending situation from being the only thing on my mind. That can be hard to do when I'm at work or home, a place that ought to be a sanctuary, and I can't leave or escape. Feeling trapped for any reason is not a good feeling and even though my life is in no way threatened by these offenses, I often feel my sanity is. Even in the midst of a situation where noises are triggering this ridiculous response, when my emotions feel out of control, I do have the presence of mind to understand what is happening even if I don't have the control to stop them.

            I also often feel personally attacked, as if the offender is deliberately wanting to torture me. These people often have no idea that I am feeling what I'm feeling and truly aren't trying to piss me off but it very often feels as if it is on purpose, that they just don't care. As a result of this, I am very aware of my surroundings and the affects I may have on anyone through my own actions and sounds. So when someone who seemingly has no understanding or consideration for those around them it is deeply upsetting and frustrating for me. How can they not know?? How can they not care??!! They seem to be selfish, inconsiderate, jerks, at least that is what it feels like to me when I'm forced to listen to the neighbors constantly yapping dog or their obscenely loud obnoxious 'music' or something like that. It is all extremely unpleasant to deal with and far too often very debilitating.

            Something else that I feel is tied to this as it elicits the same feelings and reactions is having to repeat myself for any reason or someone repeating things to me. It makes me absolutely crazy! I have no explanation for it, much the same as my reaction some of the other sounds I have mentioned. Listening to someone tell numerous people the same story is just maddening. "I heard you the first time, go find a pirate to sit on!!" to borrow an appropriate quote from Paris of Gilmore Girls.

            From the limited sources available that I have read trying to learn about this and understand what this is, I understand it to be a problem of wiring in the brain where wires get crossed somehow and when a sound triggers my brain, it creates this response. My brain doesn't process these sounds correctly. This is of course paraphrased and is my understanding of this issue. I don't want to call it a disease as I don't know that it is. There is not a lot of research on it though more and more is coming out. As far as I know there is no cure and any treatment available seems to be psychological that may include trying to retrain your brain to respond in a more normal way. Again, this is just what I've gleaned from what I've read.

            Having learned about misophonia has given me some measure of relief if only in knowing there is an explanation to my irrational responses to these sounds. I can stop torturing myself trying to figure out why I am feeling the way I'm feeling and that brings me some peace. I still hate that I have this challenge and I hate my response to it, especially when it hurts people I care about. But knowing what it is helps me deal with it. I now sleep every night w/ a white noise machine, a device I should have invested in a long time ago but only purchased recently. It doesn't always drown out all the neighbors' noise but it cuts down a lot and I use earplugs far more regularly than I'd like to. I try to be more pre-emptive in dealing with situations that I know are likely to be triggers. If I am at home, I don't even try to sleep w/o the white noise machine on. Instead of trying to sleep w/o it, hoping foolishly that it will be a quiet peaceful night, and more often than not putting myself in a situation where I’m laying there getting angrier and angrier w/ the people talking inconsiderately outside my window, I turn it on as soon as I'm getting ready for bed. This has been a great way to cut back on my stress at bedtime. Before I started using it, it would often get to the point where I was so angry and frustrated that I couldn't do more than cry and rage and pray and hope they shut up long enough for me to fall asleep. That has happened more times than I can count.

            I know people don't understand it, the depth of the feelings of discomfort, rage, and helplessness that anyone w/ this challenge suffers as I myself don't really understand it, but I hope that this gives you some insight and understanding into what I deal w/ regularly and anyone else w/ misophonia deals w/. Other people might have other triggers but I believe the responses and feelings are very similar, though I can't speak for anyone else. I don't share this with you to make you feel self-conscious or uncomfortable but that you might understand and have some compassion and patience w/ me if I snap at you for no reason or walk away without any explanation while you're eating or tapping your fingers or something. I don't want people to avoid me but I do want you to understand my struggles and know they aren't about You in particular. Its not you, its everyone. Ha! Ok, I'm just kidding… kind of. Really it's just me. Just know that if I walk away it is for the best, that I will come back when the coast is clear, the eating has stopped, whatever was offending has ceased doing so, and I have calmed myself down.

            Thanks for listening and learning a little bit more about me. Now on to other more interesting and good things. J

If you want to find out more about it you can do a simple search. This website has some helpful info: http://www.misophonia.com/.

Beginning Again

It's been a long time since I posted something here and I've been thinking about what I want this blog to be about for me. I'm about a lot of things but 2 of my greatest passions in life are travel and photography. They go hand in hand for me, I don't do one without the other, and while I don't always have to travel far to make photos, anytime I take a trip whether to an exotic and foreign land or to a closer locale, my camera comes along. So perhaps this will be a better sharing of my travels - tips, lessons, thoughts, dreams, experiences with a huge dose of honesty and of course, lots of photos. I hope so, anyway. Be patient with me, I ask you, because as much as I love to write, blogging has not come so easily. Perhaps my attempts to be more disciplined this year will assist me in working on this regularly. I welcome your feedback, tips, suggestions and thoughts along this journey.